Comparison Can Be a Hope Killer

Have you ever felt inadequate?

Or has someone compared you to someone else in a negative way?

Unfair comparisons can make us doubt our ability to reach our dreams. And doubt can kill our hope.

Bonnie had made a list of characteristics she wanted in her husband. I checked most of the boxes. Except that she forgot to create a box “must be a good dancer”. Big mistake. When we went to parties where people danced, I watched in awe couples who could dance well. Bonnie tried everything. She tried to teach me. She tried to lead (doesn’t work well when the partner you want to lead is twice your size). I kept looking at good dancers with envy. 

Until a friend pointed out that I likely have congenital Amusia! The University of Amsterdam identified this as “Not being able to recognise a well-known melody without the lyrics, not hearing whether someone is singing out of tune and not being able to produce a rhythm.” This makes me laugh. Now I have a reason to dance to a different tune than everyone else.

When it comes to “success” comparing is usually more of a feeling than a rational thought. Comparison can be helpful, or destructive. This is why I believe it’s important to become completely rational about comparisons. 

Apple and oranges

We all know that we can’t compare things that are fundamentally different. Yet we tend to do it to ourselves. And this can trigger the feeling of being inadequate. Yet, when we use comparisons properly, this feeling can be replaced with strong positive motivation.

One of my best friends was asked by his mentor “How are you doing?” My friend replied, “Compared to average, pretty good.” His mentor commented. “Why are you comparing yourself to average? Average is the worst of the best, or the best of the worst. Compare yourself to excellence.”Dd

My friend is a man of wisdom, he chose to take this comment at face value and he has done his best to reach excellence in all the important areas of his life. It doesn’t make sense to compare apples and oranges. We have the choice of comparing our performance down or up. Comparing ourselves with lower performers may make us feel good, however it doesn’t prompt us to continue to improve. Comparing ourselves with better performers is an opportunity for growth.

“Averagism”

I don’t think there’s such a word. I will take the liberty to create it for our purposes. This is the tendency to reduce everything to average. My stats background make me aware of the risks of using averages for comparison purposes. 

Averages can be skewed by outliers, people who do extremely well. I suspect that if you took the income of 100 of your acquaintances, the average would be not that far from your income. Add Elon Musk to the 100 acquaintances and suddenly the average income grows to a number very far from your own income. 

Including outliers can skew averages up and down. Take politicians and social commentators’ opinions about average with a grain of salt. And beware of those who aim to reduce everyone to average and prevent excellence from being rewarded.

Scarcity mindset is quite common in our culture. It makes people judge their own success by the average of the people they spend most of their time with. Average wages, average fitness, average relationships. This is a comfortable justification, but it does nothing for your success.

In fact, think of the ridiculousness of offering a potential spouse: “Marry me honey, and we’ll have an average life. We’ll live in an average home. Earn average income. And have average kids.”  STOP this kind of thinking. Embrace an abundance mindset and learn to elevate your outlook above average.

Fake excellence

Social media made it possible for a number of “influencers” to create an image of excellence that isn’t real. The fakes extend from photoshopped body pictures to videos from rented luxury homes or showing fancy cars that are not owned by the vlogger. Carefully curated selfies project an image that’s very different from reality. 

People who don’t yet have the maturity to discern the real from the fake can put themselves in a depressed state when comparing themselves to fake excellence. Or they may let envy and jealousy affect their mood and rob their joy. 

You’ve heard of the ten commandments. The tenth one reads as follows: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Exodus 20:17) 

The reason for this commandment is that being envious and jealous affects mostly yourself. It steals your happiness and makes your attitude negative. Unwise comparison is the seed of envy and jealousy. One more reason to be careful about who you decide to compare yourself to.

Change what you can: your future self

Let your character and your values define your success. That requires being authentic and transparent about challenges and personal growth. It makes success about improving wisdom. 

The only valid comparison is ourselves with ourselves. 

Are we better today than we were yesterday in the areas that are really important for us? 

Who do we want our future self to be?

Bonnie jokes that she’d like to be tall and blonde. I guess she could become blonde, but the tall part will never happen. Humor is wisdom in this case. There are so many things that you can improve. Wisdom is focusing on what you can change for the better. See our chapter Forever Imperfect. Forever Improving.

Remember the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

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