Communication that Connects

Have you ever had a frustrating “communication” experience? You just didn’t feel understood. Or you realized that someone wasn’t getting what you were trying to communicate?

I’m writing this after an interesting communication experience. I contacted our mobile phone supplier to arrange a new service plan. The first call I made was very frustrating. The sales reps’ English was limited and he kept telling me not to worry he’ll fix things. I wasn’t worried. There was nothing to fix, just a change of plan. I knew exactly what I wanted but he kept trying to upsell me. I ended up hanging up…

But I have an ace up my sleeve because I speak French. I called back the same company but asked for the service in French, something common with national Canadian companies. My experience was totally different. In a few minutes my change was done to my satisfaction.

One sales rep wasn’t listening. The other was.

Clear Communication that connects

Being clear and connecting are the two goals of communication. One of our other chapters is about Active Listening which is our side of communication. And another chapter is Your Network drives your Net Worth which is about connecting. In this chapter I want to add some practical principles that we have adopted to communicate better. 

Too many channels

The first principle is to be patient and not make assumptions if someone doesn’t respond. You need to understand how the channel of communication affects the parties involved. A long time ago, I read Marshal McLuhan’s book The Medium is the Message. At the time (1964) the channels were print, telephone, cinema and television. 

It seems like a simple world. Yet the content of the message was already affected by the medium. Print, telephone or radio, require the listener to imagine the visuals of the content. Television on the other offered visuals that reduce the mental effort to receive the information. McLuhan also saw television and cinema as different media. Cinema’s higher resolution images affect the viewer’s brain differently than television.

Today we have a multitude of communication channels. We need to be aware of: 

1. How the channel we choose impacts our ability to be clear and connect.
2. That the other party has multiple channels claiming their attention.

Bandwidth

You’ve heard the expression I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this right now. We’re saying we don’t have the capacity. Communication channels have different bandwidth that affect their capacity to convey your message:

• Texting, even with emojis, is the most limited form. It’s like being back in telegraph times. It’s very easy to create misunderstandings if you try to have long and deep conversations by text, especially if there’s emotions involved. I limit texting to logistics like confirming an appointment. As soon as the conversation grows I send this message: “This is too long for text, let’s have a voice call.”
• Voice calls add inflections to communicate feelings and emotions. It also transforms texting, which is two monologues, into a true dialogue with instant responses. When communicating with your voice, pay attention to your tone and pace. Your tone and pace can amplify your emotions and create a different outcome than what you want. Pace is also important with a lot of us having English as a second language. Slow down and verify that the other party understands.
• Video calls are the main legacy of Covid. We all learned to use new video conferencing tools. They require us to pay attention to how we present ourselves. I will address your personal image later. First I want to address how your personal or work environment is presented on video. My recommendation is to avoid fake backgrounds. You will disappear often as you move. And you don’t want anything “fake” associated with you. Create a video space that you always use. Make it professional, maybe with a bookcase behind you. Think how you want to represent yourself, sloppy and disorganized, or competent and reliable. A final point, never eat on video calls.
• In person, face to face is always the richer communication “channel”. In video you’re partially “in person” so some of the recommendations below apply to video as well.

Your audience

Think of your audience and adjust your communication accordingly.

• One to no one: This is when the other party can remain silent. You’re in a monologue. This can be in writing, or when you leave a voice message. The receiving party may ignore you. Such communication requires the most planning. You need to be clear as to what you want to share, and you need to do it with words that connect with the recipients.
• One on One. This is when you’re in a dialogue with the other person. If you do all the talking, you’re in a monologue. You have limited information, other than body language, as to how your information is received. Learn to listen, and create pauses that allow a dialogue to happen. (See our chapter Active Listening)
• One to many. This is when you’re “the” speaker. If it’s a small group, you can get a lot of visual feedback and adapt as you go. If it’s a large group and you don’t get visual feedback, maybe because of the lights blinding you, listen to the crowd’s response. The larger the group the better you need to prepare.
• Many to Many: learn to be a facilitator when you have a group of people all sharing ideas or stories. Act as a chair of the meeting and give time to each speaker. Show by your example how communication can be courteous and productive. 

Your personal brand

Defining your personal brand, and how you want to represent yourself is the most important task for effective communication. I will drill a little more into this, and warning! I may offend some of you.

What are the values that you have chosen to guide your life? 

Are they represented by how you present yourself?

Do you want to relate to as many people as possible?

I know your individuality is important… But the weirder your look, the smaller the audience that will relate to you. I remember a homie in Los Angeles who wondered why he couldn’t get a job. He had tattooed F**K on his forehead. Be careful your chosen style may actually lie about you.

You may be very disciplined but a disheveled look and dirty clothes will communicate a lack of discipline.

The first impression you make will likely determine how people will connect with you. An immature person may complain “That’s not fair. They judge me based on my looks.” Sorry but everyone is entitled to have an opinion. Give yourself all the chances that this opinion will be favorable.

As a young man I grew a bushy beard to protect my face from the cold when skiing in frigid Quebec. I’m a big guy. I didn’t look friendly, I looked threatening. When it was time to get a real job, I kept my beard trimmed to look professional. Later I realized that my beard hid my smile. I shaved it and people responded differently to me in a good way.

Today I am clear that I want my appearance to communicate wisdom, kindness, discipline and competence. As an older guy I keep my hair trimmed short, the less gray visible the better. Don’t laugh, I have to watch and trim nose and ear hair, and bushy eyebrows. I like very casual hiking clothes, but I don’t leave the house without checking with Bonnie if what I’m wearing is appropriate. I see many guys my age lose credibility because of personal neglect.

Bonnie is also very disciplined. She makes sure to look professional at all times. As a small female, she needs to create a strong presence with her appearance and demeanor. I’m a guy and not very competent when it comes to women’s style, but I know that a woman’s brand is determined by how she dresses. If you dress like a “babe” you may not be taken seriously by men, and women.

The magic triangle

The magic communication triangle is formed by your eyes and your mouth. This is where you convey how you feel. Even if you try to hide your feelings, other people will know them subconsciously because we’re programmed to read the subtle signals that our eyes and mouth convey.

Your smile is the most powerful asset you have to engage other people in a positive way. It has to be real. Your eyes and your mouth need to communicate your smile in unison. The mouth may smile but the eyes don’t. Look at pictures of people smiling and hide their mouths. Are the eyes smiling as well? Pay attention, you’ll be surprised how often the eyes and mouth aren’t synchronized.

I had to learn to smile.

As a new manager I got this bad advice from my boss “If you want to be taken seriously, walk fast and frown a lot.” I followed his advice and it became a bad habit I had to unlearn. 

We now live in a video world. Watch your image on the screen. Are you smiling? I make a genuine effort to be constantly smiling. Don’t kid yourself, It’s likely that your resting face has the corners of your mouth turned down. Your resting face may be a frown.

To really smile, three things matter. 

• First, think positively about the person in front of you. This takes mental discipline. Repeat in your head “Don’t judge. Be kind. You like this person.” Your face will reflect these thoughts.
• Second, remove anything that may distract the other person from receiving the message your smile conveys. Facial jewelry or tats, dangling earrings, hair in your face all reduce the power of your smile.
• Third, keep eye contact. Shakespeare wrote: the eyes are windows to the soul. The Bible’s Matthew 6:22 says: “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.” 

I will always remember a moment when I looked at Bonnie and she was smiling at me. I did feel that I was looking into her soul, and I loved what I saw. I still do to this day.

Your hands: emphasis or agitation

I encourage you to read about body language to become aware of how you’re communicating. It’s a common joke that the Italian (and the French) communicate with an abundance of hand gestures. 

Too many hand gestures make you look agitated and reduce the effectiveness of your communication. I had to consciously reduce mine. Keep your hand gestures to a minimum so the gestures don’t lose their power to emphasize a point you’re making.

Also in the very diverse world we live in, be careful of the gestures you make. What is normal or funny in your culture may be offensive in another culture.

Repeat and follow up

A final comment is that you need to be patient. You will often need to repeat a concept multiple times for the idea you share to be received. You may have to repeat it on different channels to reach the person, like leaving a voice message after sending a text. We believe that you can’t overcommunicate. Follow up. Our experience is that people are grateful when we persist in reaching them.

We hope these ideas will help you have clear communication that connects.

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Here are a few recommended book s from our bookshelf:

• Am I Making Myself Clear by Terry Felber
• Everyone communicates. Few Connect. By John C. Maxwell
• The Medium is the Message by Marshall McLuhan
• Listen well. Lead better. By Steve and Becky Harling