Choosing My Roles

What are your roles in life?

Some scientists claim that a male brain isn’t complete until he’s in mid-twenties. Bonnie would tell you that mine probably wasn’t complete until my mid-thirties…

This is about the time when I read Stephen R. Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This book changed my life. I read that book wanting to improve my performance as a manager. I didn’t realize that I needed to change my life a lot more than my job. When listening to my heart, the roles I identified as most important were relational. 

Covey asks you to list your roles in life. I came up with this list. Your relational list may be quite different depending on your stage in life. In order of importance, here are my roles:

1. Husband
2. Father
3. Son
4. Sibling
5. Friend
6. Manager

I faced a serious problem, the least important of these roles, manager, was consuming most of my time and mindspace. I was failing at the other roles. I needed to make some changes.

(Note that I’m presenting my roles as a married male. You may have different roles. Just make sure you reflect on them and seek wisdom to become better at them. Educate yourself. Change and become better at your roles.)

Husband

Having failed a first marriage, I needed a lot of change. Bonnie was incredibly patient with me. I needed to educate myself. I had a great role model with my father, but like many sons, I suppose, I thought I was more educated and therefore smarter than him. How arrogant of me. I had a failed marriage and he had loved his wife deeply for over forty years.

I needed to educate myself. I got into marriage and relationships books. Reading is how I learn best. I will list a few books here. Some are old, some are newer. Spouses’ roles have changed but relationships skills haven’t changed much. Here they are in so specific order:

• Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus by John Gray
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
• The Art of Understanding your Mate by Cecil G. Osborne
• Communications, Sex & Money by Edwin Louis Cole
• If Only he Knew by Gary Smalley
• Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

The list could go on for several dozen other titles as I keep educating myself about being a better husband. I still need to learn after almost forty years with Bonnie. Bonnie reads just as much. What these books, read together, have given us is a common vocabulary to express our feelings and needs. I encourage all of you to get passionate about relationship knowledge. Even if your relationship feels rocky today, start educating yourself and you will likely discover ways to make things great again.

My greatest lesson was that love is a decision. It’s a choice, not a feeling. Many relationships start with lust, but lust will not sustain a long term commitment. It’s inevitable that challenges will happen in a relationship. These will be test moments. These will be when you make a decision to continue to love and to stick through it. I didn’t have that maturity as a young man.

The second lesson is that men and women are very different emotionally. I needed to learn how Bonnie thought as a woman. There are many jokes about the differences. I won’t repeat them, but humour is a very helpful tool in relationships. Note that humour isn’t sarcasm. Humour is being amused. Sarcasm is a cruel tool to manipulate people.

I learned later in life that as a husband I had three roles: provider, protector and priest(!). The first two came naturally. I take pride in working with discipline. I am ferocious when protecting my loved ones. The “priest” part is about being a spiritual leader. That’s a role I needed to learn. I needed a lot of education and to face the awkward moments when I started to lead us in prayer. You become a much better man and husband when you put your ego aside and you submit to a higher power that keeps you aligned with your values.

Father

I got into a fair bit of trouble as a teenager. I’m not sure why; hormones, bad attitude. As our son was approaching his own teenage years, I was concerned he may behave like I did. (He never did.) At the time, I thought that maybe it was because my father traveled a lot for his work, and he was not very present. And, he had five other people to love in his family. 

I was concerned because I also traveled a lot. On one of my trips through an airport, I picked up a copy of Absent Fathers. Lost Sons. by Guy Corneau. This book made me want to be more available. I changed my career focus to have more time available for our son and daughter. Our circumstances were already challenging because of co-parenting. I did my best, but like every parent, I feel that I could have done much better. I’m grateful that our children became great adults.

Son

I have been blessed with amazing parents. I’m the oldest of four. I didn’t leave home until my early twenties, but I was an absent son from my late teens on. I had a car, and I spent a lot of time away from home. It’s only when I became a parent that I started to really appreciate how great my parents were. 

By that time I had moved over 3,000 miles away from my parents. Bonnie was in the same situation with her own parents even further away. We both have siblings who lived closer to our parents. We’re grateful that they stepped in the role of care managers, and often care-givers as our parents aged.

Our kids grew up before video calls were common. So we invested in regular trips to visit their grandparents so that they would have a sense of their roots and family history. We wanted their last name to be meaningful. Both of our families have been in Canada for a long time, 12 and 8 generations. This also got our parents to know their grandchildren better. 

As we traveled a lot to fun destinations, we often invited our parents to join us. These memories are priceless. We have many funny stories that we repeat. We’re grateful for all these happy moments shared together.

Sibling

I’m the oldest of four. Bonnie is the middle child of five children. We both moved away before we could truly appreciate the qualities and love of our siblings. Bonnie is excellent at staying connected. On the other hand I can get so distracted that I need to put reminders in my calendar to touch base and get updates. Another area of growth required of me.

Friend

Bonnie is my role model when it comes to being a good friend. She stays in touch with people forever. She thinks of someone and she picks up the phone immediately. She aims to have a minimum of five touch points a day. These are brief conversations, or a message to inquire about the other person. She has an immense number of contacts, yet all seem to remain connected and caring because she takes the initiative. 

I need to grow in this area also as the benefit of good friends is immense. Many friends became surrogate uncles and aunts to our children as our families were far away. They were role models and influencers. And as we age, longtime friends are precious for the common history you share. 

We all need community. It protects us from isolation and keeps our mindspace healthy. Bonnie creates community wherever she goes. She quickly connects people and she creates gatherings to facilitate new friendships. You may have read The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. He describes “connectors” as important influencers. This describes Bonnie quite accurately.

She inspires me to be what I call a “social leader”. I mean simply someone who improves the quality of community by being courteous and grateful at all times. I make sure I greet people on the street and engage in small talk whenever an opportunity presents itself. Loneliness is the number one social problem of big cities. It triggers many of the destructive behaviours people do to themselves and to others. We can all make a difference with simple politeness.

Here are some other books that inspired me if you want to look into this more:

• Bowling Alone by Robert D. Putnam
• How to Know a Person by David Brooks
• The Power of the Other by Henry Cloud

Manager

Looking at my life roles with my heart prioritized my relationships. The job I did became a lot less important. Jobs and businesses are temporary. It’s necessary to earn an income, but we know they will be left behind. The organizations you work for or that you own will quickly forget you.

It’s interesting to talk to retirees who devoted most of their time to their career or business. They often have an attachment to past glories that are no longer relevant. And living in the past prevents you from enjoying the present. Their stories often include failed marriages and estranged kids or families. They end up poorer.

On the other hand, relationships are our most important legacy and they can be enjoyed today. This was the reason why I sought to be a lot more efficient with my time and earn our income with a low time commitment. I could then invest it in relationships that bless me everyday.

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We mentioned many books in this chapter. Here’s the list. Good reading!

• Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
• Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus by John Gray
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
• The Art of Understanding your Mate by Cecil G. Osborne
• Communications, Sex & Money by Edwin Louis Cole
• If Only he Knew by Gary Smalley
• Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
• Absent Fathers. Lost Sons. by Guy Corneau
• The Tipping Point Malcolm Gladwell
• Bowling Alone by Robert D. Putnam
• How to Know a Person by David Brooks
• The Power of the Other by Henry Cloud